2014: Disappointments, Depression, and Acceptance

On 31 December 2013, we did our ritual of spending the half-day off work together. And by spending our day, I meant me taking her back to her home early since it was her mum's birthday.

I also had to get home early because I was arranging the new year's gathering in my house with my buddies. So it wasn't really a let down that I didn't get to spend more time with her on the eve of my birthday.

The year prior to that, we had lunch in her uncle's restaurant, an early birthday lunch, and had our picture taken with her new Instax camera. Such picture is still treasured safely in the confines of my wallet to this date. A memento of our time together, and the affection we once shared.

I started 2014 surrounded by loved ones - best friends, friends that I consider my second home, and her. The girl that caught my eyes since the first time I saw her in front of our office's lift. The girl that used to steal my mind in the earliest of mornings and the latest of nights. The girl that could steal the breath out of my lungs and my heartbeat for a split second. These last few months those feelings towards her seemed to dissolve into nothingness, until recently.

From zero hundred hours until the date of 1 January 2014 cease to exist, I was surrounded by love. As per usual, the new year was celebrated by burning fireworks by most people, including me and my buddies on the pavement outside my house. Not a lot of luck with the fireworks, I have to admit. But the togetherness was there, we can feel it. Honestly, I think that was the first time I ever spent new years with friends. Although it wasn't a blast, it was pretty memorable.

My first three meals of 2014 was with great friends. Breakfast and the 'mandatory' birthday lunch with KLM, and followed by the annual Pizza e Birra dinner. That night at Rasuna Said was even more special because finally I had a real birthday cake surprise, thanks to her.

The first days of January was so full of joy, I mentioned that the following year will be legendary. A year that would wash away the bad omen of 2013. Or so I thought.

It was not until mid-January that I found out that she had fallen out of love. I took the hints, though, but brushed it off thinking it was improbable. But then she made it clear that since mid-December the previous year her heart was someone else's. I still remember that phone call like it was yesterday.

I wasn't consumed in sorrow or anger, so much as disbelief. It was such a bitter pill to swallow, I can't remember the last time I felt like that.

***

The following months had me taken aback. Apparently, nothing has changed from the previous year, save the absence of her in my days and nights. I was still having a rough time establishing my name in the corporate life and still not living up to the previous accolades I garnered with ease. I stopped making creations and the creative juice was scarce.

It was hard to take in that I wasn't participating in any considerable actions that made impact. Ever since I started university, every single year I was doing something and being something. I achieved something and made an impact. Up to the point when I became a lawyer, I was making a pretty decent name for myself. After that, I was just a name in front of the glass door of my office room.

I hated myself for being so helpless. I just hated myself.

Without her, the magnitude of the disappointment was just too hard to burden alone.

Months past by without any significant changes. Little that I know, the constant disappointments I received since early in the year has taken a toll on my mental state. Depression seeps in, time after time, without me even realising it. That would be the start of the darkest moment of my life yet.

All my life, or at least prior to being twenty, I didn't have a hard making friends. Sure, I have a hard time making small talks to new people, I still do, but making new acquaintences or even friends wasn't so much of an issue. I'm also not the most likeable person at first glance, understandable given my ever-bored look. If the early days of my life I was having communication issues because I was shy, these days it's mainly because I'm so disinterested in everything. Nothing can excite me like it used to. Even the presidential election -an issue I was pretty intrigued on- wasn't a topic I'd be fond of, honestly. The world is so boring. Or at least my world is.

Those conditions gave me clarity of who I am and what I really felt. I was alone. I realised that I was actually really, really alone. Sure, I'm most comfortable in solitude, even in crowds, but it turns out that I am that scared of being alone.

Of course I have groups in BBM, Whatsapp, and Line. Groups with great friends, for that matter. But I realised that I don't have a constant contact with any of the members of those groups. Our conversations were mostly conducted in groups, not individually. At that certain point, though, I did have trouble opening up myself to others. I haven't the slightest idea of why I was like that, they were my friends. But to those I did open up to, they treated me like crap. You know who you are.

I was also distant from my family members. Not willingly, of course, but it was naturally with the condition I was in. It made me feel even lonelier.

The condition at the office was nothing I was fond of, either. Not only my professional life was deteriorating, my personal interaction with peers was also going south.

All in all, I felt that I was not welcomed by any group of people that I know. Even having lunch or dinner was painful since I felt that my presence wasn't accepted. So I pulled back from social interactions, not wanting to aggravate any ill-feelings I shall harbour with anyone.

So I was alone and even more depressed. I felt that I was incapacitated of love. Unable to being loved or to love.

***

There was literally no one I can or want to talk to, so I kept it all to myself. At some point, I didn't even want to live anymore. There was no point of my existance, anyway. If not for my cowardice of the afterlife, this post won't ever be written.

I kept all those thoughts alone for months on, until a turning point occured on the office's outing. Under certain conditions, I made a scene that I later regretted so and that was considered a joy-killer by others having a good time. I cried my heart out. With nothing to spare. But after that incident, I was calmed.

All those depressing feelings, whatever the reason, seemed to fade away. I was just..... cool about everything. I took everything casually, without a single hesitation in mind. It was not acceptance, that much I'm sure. To date, I'm not even sure whether I'm so cool about everything or I'm just dead inside. I'd take anything, actually, as long as I'm not depressed anymore. But thing's haven't changed, to be honest. I'm still alone, I'm still scared of being alone, I'm still an outcast.

It only takes the simplest jest or remark of non-acceptance to wreck my mood. So the recent event at the office just brought me back to that dark place again.

***

A special mention to Merari for keeping my sanity in check during the hard times. This might sound as an exaggeration, but without our conversations I might be even more depressed and withdrawn. A special mention also goes to Rangga Lanang, Wop, and Christabelle for our conversation in Cazbar. The first sentences of those three for me was, "lo kenapa, Fal, sebenernya?". And just like that I opened up. Although that conversation was after I calmed down, it was really appreciative and I thank you all for that.

People used to say that my cockiness and arrogance was a mask of my insecurities. That was bollocks. Just because I'm more confident in front of a crowd and in the spotlight than others doesn't mean I'm arrogant. Borderline over confident and exubing vanity, probably, but I wasn't full of myself. It's just how I do things. I'm best when I'm cocky and confident. I was His Royal Cockiness.

But no more.

Now everything's gone. And not for the good reasons.

What 2014 has taught me is you can't please everyone, even if you try hard. When they don't like you, they don't like you. And when they don't like you, they won't accept you. And when they won't accept, no matter how hard you try, you just have to let go. You're just demeaning your pride when you have to grovel to get other's acceptance.

You may say that I, or you, or we, must introspect to truly understand why people don't like us. But honestly I'm not 100% with the notion, because somewhere someplace, someone or some people will like you for what you really are. No matter how much of a piece of shit you are.

Here's a newsflash for you: The bitter truth is, even when you treat people as your priority, sometimes you're not even an option for them.