Friday 19 November 2010

Hell

I can still feel Monday like it was yesterday. And how it hurts..... Oh yes, it hurts like hell.

You know what REALLY hurts?

It's that I can still feel and remember every single detail about You that's stuck in my head. Every single detail of it. And it hurts.

How You smile while looking into my eyes. It's really hipnotizing. How You (sometimes) laugh at my unfunny jokes. How You say 'kayak' that's so annoyingly cute. How You say 'gitu ya' that's really..... You. How You would tell me stories with enthusiasm. How You strictly forbid me from smoking & telling me to do my thesis -that I do listen. How You giggle. How Your sleepy voice lullabies me to sleep. And how You say 'good night'.

It's all in my head. I can't get it out even if I try to. Now I don't even know how to feel when I remember it.

People say that you can't really appreciate what you have until it's gone. But how can you say something's gone when it's not even there in the first place.

All I can feel now is an empty feeling of disappointment. Disappointment of...... Something that's not even there.

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Tuesday 16 November 2010

"..... Lil muttaqiina imaama"

I wrote this last night. Right after the Provocative Proactive meeting at Aneka Bubur. Well not actually right after the meeting. Although I have to admit that I couldn't drive properly because I was thinking of the words that might suit my feelings properly. So, here goes.
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"Rabbana hablana minazwaajina, wazurriyyatina qurataa'yun, waj'alna lilmuttaqiina imaama"

Anyone heard of that prayer? Yes, it's a prayer for obtaining a couple. A pious couple. For me, this prayer is a personal favorite. And yes, it has such a beautiful meaning. Believe it or not, God has answered my prayer for this particular prayer everytime I put my heart into it. And now, I think God has answered my prayer, regarding You. Yes, You.

At first, to be frank, I never thought that I'd develop any kind of feelings towards you. No. I was too afraid. Getting out of a beautiful relationship with such atrocity made me a coward. I dare not hurt my feelings in such a short time. I dare not. But then, You grew on me. In the slightest time, You grew on me. I began to open my feelings again. And was excited, and afraid, at the same time. Again, I dare not hurt my own feelings. No, not in such a short time.

The circumstances that occurred while my feelings opened were too harsh. Curse, it was too harsh. In fact, it may damage my relationship between me and my best friend. Although Pandji said that the game of love is only between two persons in it, I can not bear the circumstances that follow. I can not bear losing my best friend.

To you, My Brother, these past few weeks have been excruciatingly hard for me. I lost someone to turn to, I lost someone to lash out all my negative emotions, but most of all, I lost someone to share my laughs with. For that, I apologise. This is not about winning nor losing, but this is about who has the bigger strength. And I think it is you. For that, I apologise. I finally know how you feel about her, and for that, I apologise.

To You, I could be someone you talk to in the middle of the night without you thinking of interrupting. I could, if You'd let me. I would be someone to accompany You through a random day, driving along the city, singing, playing, chatting. I would, if You'd let me. I will be able to sing songs with my guitar, even though I'd have to search the chords in the internet and recite it hundreds of time. I will, if You'd let me. But then again, those are all clichés. And for You, clichés are not worth it. You deserve something better. Something more grandeur.

If I may say, I was valiant enough to imagine that it was You who would accompany me in my graduation day. I was valiant, and sure enough to introduce You to my whole family. Especially my mother. But I dare not, even for the slightest bit, to have expectations that we would be more than friends. I dare not, to even hope, about 'us'. I dare not, for I will suffer.

We started as friends, and I think - and hope - that we will still remain as friends. As friends, nothing more, nothing less. I think it is for the best interest that we remain as friends now. But should You think the opposite, I would not say that the chance is closed. If we were meant to be, then 'we' will be.

I apologise for writing this and for not saying this in person. Withstanding emotional grief is one emotion that I can not handle these past days. Things I've done in your presence, good or bad, is merely a manifestation of the comfort I felt towards You. For that, I apologise if you've felt any discomfort.

And so, the recital of the prayer will be my daily dose of medicine. For God speaks in mysterious ways.

Yours sincerely,
Muhammad Naufal Fileindi

http://naufalfileindi.blogspot.com